⚠️WARNING⚠️ – this post is about silent miscarriage…please don’t read if it will upset you.
I really wasn’t sure whether I was going to post about this or not. It’s still very raw and I know it’s a topic that will be upsetting for many. But, if there’s one thing this week has taught me, it’s that talking always helps.
On Monday, I was happily booked into my 13 week pregnancy scan. Everything felt fine and we were super excited and looking forward to announcing to everyone that we were expecting our second baby. I even had a post ready to publish on here…I was just waiting for the picture of the scan.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work out as planned and instead of seeing a healthy baby on the screen we were told there was no heartbeat and I had suffered a silent miscarriage around week 10.
Up until this week, I wasn’t even aware of what a silent miscarriage was. I naively assumed that if I felt fine, all was well. I associated miscarriage with pain and bleeding. When I went into my scan on Monday, I felt pregnant – I had a lovely little bump and my pregnancy so far had felt exactly the same as the one I had with James.
It’s still hard to get my head around the fact that your body can be tricked into presenting all the pregnancy symptoms when things have gone wrong.
It’s been a tough week.
I decided waiting for my body to miscarry naturally would be too heartbreaking (especially when still feeling pregnant) so I’ve spent the last couple of days in hospital waiting to get it sorted. Although I feel empty and sad, I’m relieved it’s over.
We hadn’t told any family or friends I was pregnant. And I considered keeping my miscarriage to myself…especially because living so far away makes it even harder. My homesickness (is that even a word?) has reached new levels this week.
But, I’m not good at keeping secrets. Keeping my pregnancy quiet in the first place was hard enough…and actually when things go wrong, I find having open, honest conversations the way forward.
It’s part of the reason why I’m posting on here…I can’t possibly pretend that everything is fabulous when going through something so heartbreaking. I believe social media needs to be real. And that means talking about the bad as well as the good. That’s real life after all.
Talking has been invaluable.
Despite being so far away from family and friends, I’ve never felt so loved. And the friends we’ve got in Oz, most of whom we haven’t known for long, have been unbelievable. People are amazing.
What has shocked me though, is how many have been through exactly the same thing.
And I never knew.
So many people opt to carry the heartbreak silently…which must take such strength…but equally it feels very sad that they have to shoulder it alone.
Miscarriage shouldn’t be a taboo subject. Knowing you aren’t alone helps. Knowing other people have been through the same thing and come out the other side helps.
When I was deciding whether to post this or not, I was worried people would think I was writing for sympathy. We are all programmed to say ‘we’re fine’ when anyone asks. Stiff upper lip and all that. And perhaps this is why miscarriage isn’t talked about enough? I don’t know.
I hope this post might help someone else who has been through or is going through the same thing. You are never alone.
**EDIT**
I wrote the post above last Friday but couldn’t bring myself to publish it. A week on and I’m feeling much more positive. Today is our 3 year wedding anniversary and although this last week has been ridiculously hard, we have so much to be grateful for. The last 3 years, on the whole, have been amazing and most importantly we have James (who has been the BEST distraction through it all).
I’ve got to take it easy this week to make sure I’ve fully recovered but from next week I intend to take positive action and start doing a mini exercise challenge each day. Plus, I’ll get set up ready for a new Back to Basics bootcamp…probably to start on 21st Sept…so stick with me . If you want to like/ follow me on Facebook, click here.